Coming to Terms With Being a Christian with Bi-Sexual Tendencies.
A True Testimony of a Christian's struggle with Bi-Sexuality.
The following is the true testimony of a Christian who believes he has had to fight bisexual tendencies which he would never have chosen and feels that he cannot be blamed for. UK Apologetics asked him to write his own account of his problems. The following is NOT the official UK Apologetics approach to this problem, neither do UK Apologetics necessarily endorse every word or the particular approach adopted here, yet we know enough about the man to consider this a sincere testimony. The following are his own words...
August 7th 2006.
Well here goes: First of all, I never chose to be a man with bi-sexual tendencies within myself. Especially, I never chose to be an evangelical Christian who has had to face, and to come to terms with such tendencies.
I am happily married and I am 58 years old. My wife and I have done all the usual things with the kids we raised. To all outward appearances, there is nothing odd about us in any way.
But as a teenager I had noticed a few things about myself. I started to shave much later than all my friends and even into my early twenties I only had to shave once a week. I was scrawny and small-boned and found women weren't too much interested in me – except older women: now that really was strange! I sometimes pursued young women but they were not much impressed by me but several middle-aged women made their interest very plain! Never really understood that. But my wife later enlightened me: middle-aged women have a 'thing' about shy, retiring and impressionable young men.
In the course of my job a few times I telephoned people who did not know me and I was embarrassed that a lot of the time these people assumed they had been speaking to a woman, not to a young man. That felt real terrible and it was obvious that my voice was too high-pitched for a man but nobody had ever told me this. This all started to make me feel very uncomfortable and sensitive that I was “girlish” - so I purposely started to dress a bit more masculine and attempted to cultivate a deeper voice. It took a time but eventually it seemed to work. But strange that people on the phone picked up on a voice which sounded womanly when nobody had ever said anything before.
"I imagined myself fully submitting to a man, as a woman fully submits to her lover. This caused me to feel deep shame..."
At the age of 25 I became a Christian and I was, and remain, committed to a Christian life. But like all young men I had private passions which – especially as a Christian – I struggled to control. I understood most of these passions but I also had a few which I did not understand. I found ladies clothes beautiful and sometimes I would daydream of being a beautiful woman wearing lovely clothes. Usually this silly and confusing daydream ended there but sometimes it ended in a way that - as a Christian - I found terrible and disgusting: I imagined myself fully submitting to a man, as a woman fully submits to her lover. This caused me to feel deep shame. Yet this was the exception. Mostly I daydreamed about lovely girls. That part seemed 'normal' but – for an unmarried Christian it was all very hard to control.
Well I married my lovely Susan at aged 30, and we had a family – all normal and typical. But in the intimate, marital side of our relationship (if you take my meaning) I often had problems giving my wife what she needed or what I myself needed. Sometimes it was fine – quite often it was not. But my wonderful wife never complained about it, and we still managed to raise two great kids. Although I often wonder how!! To be honest, although I really love and adore lovely women I am not great with them in bed. Sometimes everything's fine but sometimes I 'run out of steam' and my longsuffering wife just loses interest - can't blame her for that. I rarely climax, neither does my wife. This is all disappointing but we have both just accepted it.
But now I have grown older and I read and study things quite a lot. About two years ago I decided to research into why the more intimate and private part of our otherwise wonderful marriage has not been successful. This started off really interesting but eventually led to a lot of soul-searching when I felt that I had to confront a failing and tendency within myself. Then I felt I had to explain to my wife and, finally, to apologise to her. My research on the internet and with various books led me to see that not all men are equally masculine, and for those who lack substantial masculinity it really is not their fault. Men who have several older brothers (as in my case) are very prone to lack masculinity and are sometimes homosexual. Please look at my chart - this chart refers to a man's ability to masturbate; I don't want to cause offence but this tells quite a lot. This is not to tackle the subject of whether a Christian man should even masturbate which is a totally different subject - this is a matter of medical data. (The testimony continues beneath the chart).
THE RESPONSE OF MEN TO WOMEN: THREE GENERAL GROUPS.
Research now recognises
that men with several older brothers are especially prone to
lacking masculinity, the reason for this is currently unknown but being
researched (there is a suggestion that the womb starts to bulld resistance to producing too many male babies). It is not the fault of these children; researchers believe
that these matters are already decided in the
The chart which follows is necessarily simplistic for purposes of clarity.
Strongly virile and masculine men
90% masculine (apparently, nobody is 95-100% masculine).
Medium masculinity men
About 70% masculine
Only about 40% masculine
The Kinsey scale of sexual orientation ranged from 0 (completely heterosexual) to 6 (completely homosexual), these people are perhaps '0' or '1.'
They have a good sperm count and a strong interest in women. Sometimes a
tendency to bully men seen as less masculine.
Very average sperm count
but still generally a good healthy interest in women. Perhaps '3' on Kinsey's sexuality scale. Sometimes
difficulty in fathering children and not a group producing large families. Quite marked feminine
characteristics in many (but not all) such men. At least at certain stages of their
lives, occasionally attracted to members of their own sex,
or even clearly bi-sexual. Researchers tell us that the number in
this group has grown over the last hundred years as the male
sperm count has fallen.
* For simplicity I
have put this into three boxes but it could easily be argued that
there are actually 5-7 boxes of diminishing sexuality among men.
This chart was compiled with the assistance of three health
professionals - not just something I made up.
* The length of a man's organ of generation (that five-letter word begining with 'p' is a word I don't like using) is something I would prefer to leave out of this but I don't think that it can be left out. The average is 3-4 ins when flaccid (limp) and 6-7 ins when erect. Since I had never compared myself with others in this way, I had never given it any thought so it came as a big shock when I measured myself, but I probably should have expected it: my figures are just over 2 ins, expanding to a very sad 4ins at very best. Such a man will obviously have difficulty giving a woman real pleasure unless she is of unusually small and petite build.
Continuation of Testimony: What
you read inside those boxes is an abbreviated form of where my
research led me. I realised that as a Christian I had denied
clear evidence of real failings in my masculinity because - in
our church - all the men were supposed to be 110% men and the
ladies 110% women. That realisation led me to recalling other
things which I had pushed to the back of my mind: I have already
mentioned the love for women's clothing and for all things
feminine, but there were two shameful happenings in my teenage
years with other boys as well.
I can't ignore what the Bible says about homosexuality but I am not truly homosexual but rather bi-sexual with only an occasional tendency to be attracted to people in my own sex - it has been quite rare in my own case. Neither will I ever be unfaithful to my wife. So it is unfulfilled and unconsummated bi-sexuality - I live as a hetero-sexual and as a Christian I intend to continue to do so. But while I won't advertise it, neither will I deny it any longer. It is there and it is part of me and it is probably not my fault.
Everything that medical research seems to show us has a tendency to produce homosexuals (several older brothers and a poor relationship with one's father, for instance), applies to me so I can rejoice that while a strong feminine side to my nature can no longer be denied I am certainly far from being a full-blown homosexual. I am also far more compassionate towards Christians who discover that they are homosexuals than I used to be because these people tell us that they did not choose it and can't help it and my research seems to confirm that. But I am not saying that Christians should suddenly welcome all gays without further discussion of this very difficult area.
In church activities I had always seemed to put on an act as a "dominant male" because any suggestion of sexual deviancy was so bad in our church. One day the pastor said to me, "Hey _ , I need a good man to organise the coming trip - are you available?" Under my breath I said, 'And how much of a "good man" do you really think I am?' because this happened as I was going through an especially tough period of questions about my identity.
Finally, I told my wife that I was under no doubt that I am a man of unreliable masculinity, in other words, 'bi-sexual' but that I would continue to love her until I die. But she had already, and lovingly, come to this conclusion some time before. I apologised for my poor performance in that most intimate area of marriage and we embraced and she told me that she was very aware that it was not my fault. I also mentioned a man of about my own age whom we had both known five years earlier and whom I had been strongly attracted to, but she had suspected the attraction at the time and felt that nothing would come of it, which it didn't. She willingly and lovingly now accepts me as a Christian husband who is hetero-sexual but with bi-sexual tendencies which are occasionally a little strong but which I remain determined to control. My sweet wife assured me that her love for me is unconditional and not a thing which can ever be affected by occasional love-making problems or by other problems outside of my control.
To return to the biblical side before finishing this, comments on sex in Leviticus stand under a different Covenant to that which Christians live under so regarding same-sex issues it is mainly (if not entirely), what Paul said which must be considered by Christians today, and when you look very closely at this, he actually said very little about it. It is true that "abusers of themselves with mankind" will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9). I stand by Paul but I think he was not talking about people who might only be victims of a decreasing world-wide sperm count and who - given a choice - would have chosen full masculinity, but, rather, about people who willingly chose to use sex for lust, money and gain and who did not care about corrupting others. He was not talking about those affected by chemical changes or interactions in their mother's womb - but about those who would willingly choose any path in order to gain an immoral advantage over others. Then all sex becomes evil but homosexual sex perhaps a bit more so because those people were appealing to the base things in human nature, they were not appealing to love. But some Greek experts believe that Paul was specifically referring to male prostitutes in 1 Corinthians 6:9.
All of this is different to somebody who simply wants that deepest need within every human being: to have that most wonderful deep shared physical intimacy with another person who is genuinely loved and wanted. In those most glorious moments of intimacy, each partner trustingly gives a little of their deepest self to the other: it is a loving exchange but becomes of no meaning where true love and ongoing committment betwen the couple are not present. Such experience is surely the birthright of every child of God, and the glorious act occurs between a man and a woman. But for certain individuals, through no apparent fault of their own (they would not have chosen their path), this sacrificial act of love is only possible with a person of their own sex. We may say, Deviancy! - but if love is simply and truly being expressed with no suggestion of dishonest gain or of character corruption, does that really become the particularly heinous sin which many believe it to be? For, in any case, "All have sinned" (Romans 3:23) and all sin (excepting one), can receive our Lord's bounteous forgiveness. I throw these questions open for others to consider.....
Thank you for UK Apologetics and thank you for this opportunity to express my feelings.
(This is 'officially
anonymous' but we at UK Apologetics know and respect the
writer who is a person of integrity. These are his
frankly-expressed views. Just a tiny bit of editing by us. Again, this should NOT be taken as the official UK Apologetics approach to this problem and we would question one or two points which the writer makes).
The reader of the above article may well also find the following article of interest:
ARE MASCULINE MEN BECOMING AN 'ENDANGERED SPECIES'?
(This article is important because it points out valid scientific reasons why many modern men lack masculinity, especially as they age)
Here is another true confession of bisexuality:
BISEXUALITY: THE UNWANTED 'HALFWAY HOUSE'